Are You Sitting Down?

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I died on February 8th 2016 and everything in my being followed suit.  My preconceived notions of my own strength and dignity died, my ideas about God and His plans for me, died too. To put it in an ancient term I was brought low.  Every thought I had up to that point vanished in one split second.  I stepped out of my morning shower wrapped the towel around my body and ran to the phone recognizing my husbands ringtone.  “Hello!” ” Honey where are you?” ” I’m at home, just getting out of the shower, why?” ” Are you sitting down?”  My heart sank, the words no one wants to hear were being spoken in my ear  by the person I most loved.  “Honey I think Chile was in an accident,  no one will tell me much, there is someone coming to the house to tell us from the Coroners Office . ” “Jason, where was the accident? ” “Washoe Valley.” I howled in agony, “Jason Chile is dead if he was in the accident in Washoe Valley its all over the news.”

 

I remember waking up that morning day after the Superbowl, turning on the local news on my radio, sipping my first cup of coffee in bed, my normal routine.  I heard the newscasters say that a young man had been hit by a car in Washoe Valley, it had been a fatality, the name wasn’t being released because the family hadn’t been informed. ” Oh Lord, I just pray for that young man, I pray for his family, Lord please help them.”  After my prayers I headed into what would be ultimately the worst day of my life, not even knowing I had just been praying for myself and my son.

 

After Jason told me he was on his way to me I hung up the phone.  I fell to my knees and I screamed at the top of my lungs and I wept.  God no!  God no!  This isn’t my story Lord, no!  This can’t be what you have for me.  But it was what He had for me and my soul knew it.  I heard no audible voice but everything in my spirit kept repeating over and over, do you know?  I would answer my spirit, yes I know.  I knew this was happening, I knew God allowed it.  I knew He was good.  I knew this was a temporary circumstance in light of heaven, but I also knew this was awful and I knew the darkness would creep in.  There on the floor of my home I wept, screamed and worshiped.  I always thought in tragedy that all the scripture that I had memorized would flood my heart and comfort me, but I literally couldn’t even remember the 23 Psalm, but my soul knew the song of worship and there I sang the most broken song in all my life, “Oh Lord you’re beautiful your face is all I see and when your eyes are on this child your Grace abounds to me.”  How could my soul know things my heart and my being could not accept, purely by the grace of God I suspect.

 

Darkness, dreams, restless nights and crashing wave-like pain, this would be my existence for now.  Although, little slices of strength and pockets of joy would show up enveloped in my grief.  Great multitudes of  beautiful humankind were always a hidden treasure in a gloomy day and flowers and wine were never wasted on me.  Joy would be so different to me now so contrast to my tragedy so much, much more powerful and tangible, but I knew My Grief Journey, my heart shattering grief journey, had only just begun……

22 thoughts on “Are You Sitting Down?

  1. So beautifully written❤️ Thank you for sharing your grief and heartache as well as your amazing faithfulness in our Lord. May you feel His great love wrapped around you onthe anniversary of Chili’s death. Love you and your family❤️

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  2. Death is such a permanent thing to us. Yet to God it’s so temporary this separation from loved ones. This love we have for one another is cardinal in comparison to Gods love for us. My wish is everyone could love like God then death would not hurt so bad to those left behind. Just remember one day we will all be united on the new earth.

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  3. I love you so much my friend. Thank you for sharing your darkest time with us. Through it all you gave God the glory. You are a testament to His power and never ending love. May our Father God comfort you, grant you peace, and hold you close to His heart always. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

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  4. that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to read but so beautifully said I had to keep wiping the tears out of my eyes as I read it God bless you and and Jason, Chilie we miss you so much , even though I know your journey to heaven was so beautiful it doesn’t begin to even compare to how you are missed I pray you watch over your mom and dad be with them when ever you can special occasions like your little nephew being born , Amy Joe and Jason I love you more than words can say Love aunt Melody

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  5. An unforgettable morning we shared two years ago to the day, that tore my heart in two. I love you so much sweetheart. We will walk again with our beloved son one day soon.

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  6. My heart aches for my daughter, my son in law, my granddaughters and all that have had to deal with this monumental loss. Our world was shattered, putting it all back together seams so challenging. Overthinking it becomes too overwhelming.

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  7. O dear sweet amy, my heart just breaks reading this, i often think of my son, “hes a cop” and i try not to worry over him and your story just rips at my heart, bless you dear sweet soul

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    1. Linda,
      It was so good to meet you again at the Starbucks Grand Opening!! Thank You for your kind words and thank you earnestly for the prayers.
      In Christ,
      Amy Jo

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Mrs. Amy Jo I just wanted to let you know that I am still praying for you, Jason, Willow, Wednesday, and everyone else. I pray that even though it is still hard, you keep your eyes on the Lord and never stray from him. Psalm 34:18 says “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
    Love in Christ, Meg’s

    Like

    1. Megan,
      indeed my God is closer than a whispered prayer and I am always praying to Him. I love Isaiah 61 which is similar to the verse you sent me. Thank you for reading my blog and for leaving a note I love you.

      Like

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